I always thought what I have been feeling was apathy. And at times it is, but maybe not as much as I thought. 

Yesterday I came across a new word, “Anhedonia”. 

By definition it means, 

“the inability to enjoy activities that are usually pleasurable.” 

This, especially recently,  is something that I keep having to battle with bouts of.

 I thought that I was just fighting against myself and my own motivation. But there are times where I do have such a big desire to do the things I normally love, such as playing games, reading or watching a show. I grab a blanket, turn the lights down and make a cosy drink. 

However, regardless of the prep I made to make this an enjoyable evening. I find myself not being able to enjoy it and constantly checking the clock. 

I usually give up after 20 – 30 minutes if I am still not finding it fun, and recently just have been coping by going to bed early.

Going to bed earlier when you don’t feel like doing anything else, seems healthier on paper. But it’s making me feel worried about reverting back to my old habits, such as sleeping for 11+ hours a day. I was able to fall back asleep, no matter how many times my body needed me to wake up. 

I love learning about new words and their definitions, especially if they relate to how I have been feeling. It helps me be able to further my reflections and come up with “reasons” as to why I have been feeling a certain way. As well as helping explain why some days I am high or low functioning. 

If you can relate to having these feelings, just know that you’re not alone, and that there are people you can talk to. I have been finding it really easy to be hopeless recently, but that doesn’t mean that I should stop trying to live. 

And neither should you.