Even though it doesn’t happen that often anymore, there are still some days when I can’t force myself to get out of a negative cycle. I recently had another one of those days. 

Everytime it happens again I just can’t believe that, that is how my mind was constantly a few years ago. It’s so exhausting, both mentally and physically. I sit stuck, thinking of all the things I want to accomplish but instead of doing them, my body and mind keeps me frozen. It’s more of a loop than anything, you start thinking and doing things on autopilot. Because of how disappointed you are with yourself, you start reaching for your old coping strategies. For me it’s a lot of dopamine farming. 

In those moments, I feel so numb, and nothing feels like it matters. I try to do whatever I can in order to feel something. Could be anything from constantly eating, watching videos and TV shows, or even gaming. Playing games is one of my most comforting hobbies, but even on those days, I experience no joy from any of them. I try to force myself to do anything, but because of how forceful I have to be with seemingly no reward, it feels pointless. 

Something that does give me joy even within those moments is daydreaming. Romanticising an escape and a different life, regardless of how good and privileged my everyday life is. Escapism is a huge coping mechanism that I started when I was younger, hence why at times I seem obsessed with certain story games and YouTube videos. Daydreaming helps me feel in control of my life, since most of the time it doesn’t feel that way. 

I understand that I do have all the power I need in order to change from any situation/s. But the thing with depression is, it convinces you that you can’t, that you are powerless. It’s as though your inner brain, insecurities and past experiences are working against you. 

Telling you that you are worthless. 

Even when that is not true.

Now that I am on medication and in therapy, I experience a lot less of these kinds of days. To the point where sometimes I think I am being crazy or lying to myself about my mental health. (That’s an issue for another day, though.) Even though I still experience those kinds of days, I am really grateful for where I am today. I am still learning and teaching myself that I am worthy enough to stay alive. I am of enough value to have a clean house, to have friends who care for me. I am worthy enough even if all I do today is survive. 

I just wanted to say that I understand how easy it is and how romantic those temptations in your mind can come across. But please, you don’t need to be productive in order to be a worthy person. 

You’re good enough, exactly as you are. 

I hope you have a great day today!!